Verity High: Canceled!
Abridged Script

PROLOGUE (VERNA steps forward, addressing the audience) VERNA Listen up, losers. I'm Verna Waterford and I’ve been around since before baggy jeans became a thing again. This is Fringe and we had to condense a two hour show into less than an hour, so I'll be your guide through this shit-show. Okay, here’s what you need to know. (gets out a joint and puts it in her mouth) When I was seven, my very rich and very stupid parents died on a cruise ship called "Titanic Redo." Don't ask. I inherited a building, some money, and severe gambling issues. Anyway, my property became Verity High, a performing arts school. Verity means truth, but the only truth you need to know is this: parents always fuck things up. (VERNA exits) SCENE ONE A podium and standing chalkboard are brought onstage to form a classroom. Desks are set up facing the podium. ALEXA and HARLAN sit at the desks. DYLAN stands at the podium. HARLAN leans over and whispers something to ALEXA. SHE looks terrified to have his attention on her. DYLAN (DYLAN identifies as she/her. SHE’s wearing fun and loud feminine-type clothing) Hey. Guys. Hey. Girls. (trying to get everyone’s attention but no one’s listening) ALEXA And non-binary. DYLAN No one here is non-binary. HARLAN I thought you were non-binary. DYLAN I’m fluid. Welcome… (a quick glance at ALEXA) Um…humans. We’ve still got a few minutes for the rest of the students to arrive before we discuss this year’s annual talent show. (SUTTON bursts in wearing an over-the-top prairie dress ala OKLAHOMA and sings “Oh, What a Beautiful Morning. Oh, what a beautiful day. I’ve got a beautiful feeling, everything’s going my way”. LUIS follows behind. HE is typing on his phone and wears glow stick jewelry.) SUTTON I’m here. You may begin. ALEXA (crosses to her mom, embarrassed) Mom, what are you doing here? You said you had that important meeting with your agent in the city today. SUTTON It was delayed. I went to a school board meeting with Gwen instead. ALEXA Why won’t you call her Angela? SUTTON We both changed our names one summer in ‘95. Except she never changed her’s back. ALEXA I know, I know. From that emo show you were obsessed with. SUTTON My So-Called Life. It was way ahead of its time. But speaking of TV, the board meeting felt like I was in an episode of Gilmore Girls. It was exhilarating. The town unites and saves the day. I’m here to save the day! (DYLAN picks up a crate sitting on a table filled with school items and pulls out a cowbell. DYLAN bangs it and everyone brings their attention to HER.) DYLAN Let’s begin. It’s, uh, nice to see so much support from the parents today. (There’s rustling behind the chalkboard. DYLAN moves it aside to reveal VERNA with a toothbrush shoved in her mouth, an open suitcase next to her.) DYLAN Verna, what are you doing here? VERNA Uh, my power went out. DYLAN Wait, wait. This is good. We need someone to accompany the performers in the show. Would you be up for it? VERNA Does it pay? DYLAN Yep. VERNA I’m in. (ANGELA bursts into the meeting and pushes DYLAN out of the way and takes her place behind the podium.) ANGELA Stop everything. We have an emergency. I’ve just come from a meeting with several members of the school board and they plan to close one of the charter schools. They’re holding the vote next month and Verity High is top of the list. (Gasps and murmurs.) The board should never have put this arts program in Poortown. Cities always think it’s a great idea but then when they turn hip, gentrification rears its ugly head. HARLAN That’s not what art does. Art shines a light on society, the good and the bad. VERNA And the ugly. ANGELA (laughing hysterically) Art is a hobby. Not a career. Harlan, I’m an accountant. Do you know how many artist clients I have? None. Because you don’t need an accountant to manage $5. VERNA (watching a sports game on HER phone) Shoot, you dumbass! Shoot the ball! (disappointed, slams her phone down.) Shitballs. I’ll have to bet double on the next match. (muses) Alexa! Am I too old to sell my eggs? ALEXA (stands up quickly and automatically says, as if she’s Alexa the smart device.) Yes. (sits down) VERNA Damn it. (VERNA walks off stage, typing on her phone.) HARLAN Do you ever regret your name? ALEXA Every day of my life. ANGELA I’ve convinced the board to come to the talent show. We need to scrap all the kids’ acts. Except you, Harlan. You’ll do your Shakespeare piece. (swings her head around to glance at the other parents) Luis you— (pauses, taking LUIS in.) Why are you here? The twins graduated two years ago. LUIS (holds up phone) I’m still on the text chain. ANGELA Actually, this is good. You’re imaginative. And the headliner will be Sutton, our star of Broadway. DYLAN But Luis and Sutton aren’t students. They can’t perform in the school talent show. ANGELA They’re examples of what this school can produce. DYLAN But Luis is just a dad who used to entertain kids with magic tricks and cool pancake art. ANGELA We’ll play it up. We’ll say he’s big on TikTak. HARLAN Tiktok. ANGELA Or Y. HARLAN Do you mean X? ANGELA What’s X? DYLAN The Artist formally known as Twitter. ANGELA Yes. We’ll say he’s big on those places. LUIS I am big. For my pancakatures. ALEXA You’re what? LUIS Pancake portraits. ALEXA I’m not sure that counts as being famous. LUIS Look me up, @latinpancakedaddy. ALEXA That’s disturbing. LUIS Yeah. I didn’t think the name through. ALEXA I wanted to do my TED talk, The Voices of Children Matter. SUTTON (steps forward, ignoring ALEXA, and pushes ANGELA out of the way.) Gwendolyn’s right. We need to show this school board that this school can produce stars. As we say in the theatre… (SHE rips off her prairie dress and reveals a glittery costume underneath.) always be prepared. Alexa! (ALEXA is right next to her) Prepare the stage for “Save the Children”. ALEXA We’re in a classroom. SUTTON Any room’s a stage if I’m in it. ALEXA Mom, you said you came up here to spend time with me before I go to college. SUTTON It’s not my fault Dad moved you to this farmland to breed llamas. I’m here now. ALEXA It’s the suburbs. SUTTON Potato. Potato. (pronounces it the same both times). You can be the stage manager. It builds character. Hit it, Verna! VERNA (VERNA walks onstage, with a bong in her hand) I am hitting it. (taking a hit from her bong.) Let’s do this before I’m too ripped. HARLAN (to SUTTON) How do you know Miss Verna? SUTTON Her family’s a big supporter of the arts. Or they were until… the accident. ALEXA If her family has all that money, why is Miss Verna playing piano for a talent show? HARLAN Unresolved trauma. And a shitload of debt. SUTTON Alexa! (ALEXA is right next to her) Clear the stage. It’s time for the parent’s to take over and save your school. (The desks are cleared away and a bedazzled microphone is brought out to SUTTON as the lights dim and a spotlight is on HER. Everyone else is behind her in the shadows 1. Save the Children.) IT’S A CRUEL TWIST OF FATE, THAT BABIES ARE BORN SO HELPLESS NINE MONTHS AND WHAT’VE THEY… GOT TO SHOW? A PLAINTIVE CRY TEARS WELL UP IN THEIR EYES WE MUST SAVE THE CHILDREN WE MUST SAVE THE CHILDREN THEY’RE A DIFFERENT BREED TODAY SO HELPLESS AND SO MEEK RELIANCE ON TECHNOLOGY HAS MADE THEM OH SO WEAK (LIGHTS START TO COME UP AND ANGELA AND LUIS APPEAR BEHIND HER AS BACK UP DANCERS) CHORUS WE WILL SAVE THE CHILDREN SHUSH DON’T YOU SAY A WORD WE WILL SAVE THE CHILDREN IT’S BETTER WHEN YOU’RE UNHEARD SAVE THE CHILDREN SHUSH DON’T YOU MAKE A PEEP WE WILL SAVE THE CHILDREN I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED SUTTON (SHE IS CLIMBING UP CHAIRS AND STOOLS TO STAND ABOVE EVERYONE) AI CAN’T SAVE YOU NOW, THERE’S NO ALGORITHM THAT DELIVERS SOME CLASSIC STAGE (spoken)WOW DON’T WORRY DOLLS THE PARENTS ARE HERE NOW WE MUST SAVE THE CHILDREN WE MUST SAVE THE CHILDREN THE SCHOOL BOARD WILL BE BLOWN AWAY— - BY ALL THE TALENT ON THE STAGE THEY’LL SAY, LOOK WHAT THESE KIDS COULD BE SOMEDAY SOMEWAY (SUTTON FALLS OFF CHAIRS INTO ANGELA AND LUIS’S ARMS. THEY BEGIN CARRYING HER AROUND LIKE A QUEEN IN A CHAISE.) CHORUS WE WILL SAVE THE CHILDREN SHUSH DON’T YOU SAY A WORD WE WILL SAVE THE CHILDREN IT’S BETTER WHEN YOU’RE UNHEARD SAVE THE CHILDREN SHUSH DON’T YOU MAKE A PEEP WE WILL SAVE THE CHILDREN I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED (SUTTON IS PLACED IN FRONT OF PODIUM) SUTTON (GATHERS THE PARENTS TOGETHER) THANK GOD FOR YOUR PARENTS, YOUR SAVIORS, YOUR MARTYRS TAKING CARE OF YOUR (motions towards kids) EVERY NEED A BURDEN FOR US, BUT YOU WILL SUCCEED FOR ALL OF THIS WE DO FOR YOU YOU’RE WELCOME YOU’RE WELCOME CHORUS (PARENTS AND CHILDREN BEGIN CIRCLING SUTTON AS SHE MOVES FROM BEHIND THE PODIUM AND THE PODIUM IS ROLLED AWAY) WE WILL SAVE THE CHILDREN SHUSH DON’T YOU SAY A WORD WE WILL SAVE THE CHILDREN IT’S BETTER WHEN YOU’RE UNHEARD SAVE THE CHILDREN SHUSH DON’T YOU MAKE A PEEP WE WILL SAVE THE CHILDREN WE KNOW WHAT YOU NEED (ALEXA CUTS MICROPHONE) SUTTON (SPOKEN) Alexa! Mic on. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED SONG ENDS (Lights out.) SCENE TWO Transition scene with VERNA as the narrator. VERNA (steps forward) And that's how the parents hijacked the talent show. Fast forward one month to the sensitivity dress rehearsal. (yells off-stage) Alexa! What the hell is a sensitivity dress rehearsal? (ALEXA pops her head out from the wings and speaks in an Amazon Alexa voice.) ALEXA A sensitivity dress rehearsal is a preview for a select audience to determine if any content is offensive to BIPOC, queer, differently abled, gluten-free, body positive, sex-positive, gender inclusive, ageist, sexist, environmentally insensitive, offends human babies, fur babies, emotional support babies, and mediocre white males. (goes back to regular voice) Basically, it’s an asshole barometer. VERNA Well shit. I hope no one does a sensitivity check on me. SCENE THREE Backstage of Verity High’s gymnatorium at a sensitivity dress rehearsal, one month later. Sounds of sneakers on a gym floor off-stage behind the closed curtain upstage. VERNA plays a piano downstage near the wings. SUTTON sings scales next to VERNA; LUIS is making pancakes; ALEXA walks across the stage with a headset and iPad, doing a tech check; COACH is clearing sports equipment; ANGELA is urgently lecturing DYLAN. THEY look stressed. HARLAN carries Harlequin clown costume items across the stage. COACH (Walking across stage with an armful of equipment and wearing a Screaming Llamas athletic shirt) Basketball practice starts in one hour. You better get moving on your rehearsal if you don’t want balls flying at your face. LUIS What if you do want balls flying at your face? ANGELA (to Luis) Then do it on your time. (Turns to Dylan) Dylan, focus. We have to show the school board we’re politically correct, I mean anti-racist, I mean that we embrace inclusion. You know what I mean - avoid all the offensive -isms. This show needs to be tighter than a Republican’s sphincter. LUIS Maybe I should join the RNC. DYLAN (identifies as non-binary at present) Okay everyone! No more changes to your acts after today. I have to make sure the content is kosher. ALEXA You can’t say kosher. DYLAN Because we’re not talking about food? ALEXA No. You’re not Jewish. DYLAN But it’s not offensive. It’s descriptive. HARLAN Careful, or you might be... (EVERYONE halts what they’re doing and quickly turns and points to DYLAN and sings) EVERYONE Canceled! (EVERYONE goes back to what they were doing) ALEXA It’s appropriation. DYLAN Is it? ALEXA (beat) I think so. VERNA Kosher is a Hebrew word. DYLAN So it’s okay if it’s language? I’m so confused. ANGELA (to DYLAN) Yes, you are. (LUIS walks and wears an absurdly large sombrero, a South of the Border T-shirt, and a harness on his crotch) ALEXA (grabs the hat off LUIS’s head) Nope. That is definitely cultural appropriation. LUIS But I’m Latino. ALEXA You’re not Mexican. LUIS I’m from Miami. DYLAN You’re from Missouri. You lived in Miami for two years doing magic tricks for tourists. ALEXA And we’re not rigging. It’s a gymnatorium. DYLAN Careful or you might be… (EVERYONE halts what they’re doing and quickly turns and points to LUIS) EVERYONE Canceled! (EVERYONE goes back to what they were doing) LUIS (LUIS tries to take harness off) It’s stuck, chiquita. I need help. (ALEXA takes one look at his crotch and shakes her head no) I give you my consent. ALEXA That’s not how consent works. LUIS But I’m gay! (SUTTON walks on stage in full make-up and a costume fit for Broadway, not a local high school talent show.) ANGELA We get it. We get it. You’re all awake. DYLAN Woke ANGELA Whatever. You need to get this show together, Dylan. You didn’t spend four years getting that fancy big-city theater degree to fail at a high school talent show, did you? SUTTON Don’t talk to them like that. Dylan’s doing the best they can. ANGELA I know they’re your nephew— SUTTON Nephew is gender specific. SUTTON Dylan is my... (unsure) Alexa! (ALEXA is right next to her) What’s the word for non-gender specific niece or nephew? ALEXA There is no defined term. ANGELA Whatever. You can’t be canceled if the word doesn’t exist. (grabs the whistle from around COACH’S neck and blows) Harlan. Get on stage. Let’s go. (DYLAN throws THEIR hands up as ANGELA takes over and walks to the edge of the stage. ANGELA gets out her iPhone to record the act) (HARLAN enters with skull and in the Harlequin clown outfit. 4. To Be or Not to Be is a slow, modern Pilobus-style dance. It represents the struggle between who he’s been for his mom and who he really is. To be or not to be…that really is the question for HIM and he wants to be himself but he’s scared about what that will do to his broken mother. Harlan plays with putting the clown mask on himself and then on the skull. HIS movements reflect giving and taking and giving and taking. Contracting and stretching.) (Song ends. ALEXA and DYLAN are clapping, excited, supportive.) ANGELA (visibly upset) Absolutely not. This is for your college application. It’s the only reason I allowed you to go to this school. I haven’t planned every minute of your life to see you fail. HARLAN I told you I was doing an absurdist interpretation of Hamlet. Stop being so high-key. (HE exits upset, ALEXA and DYLAN run after HIM to comfort and talk to HIM.) SCENE FOUR ANGELA yells and throws the clown pieces off stage, very upset. ANGELA (to DYLAN offstage) Dylan, this is not what we planned. Fix this! COACH Let Harlan experiment. ANGELA Like you, Adam? Dylan can’t even pick a gender. You gave him too many choices. COACH I had to be his biggest cheerleader and support all his choices because his mom abandoned him because she couldn’t handle his queerness. (gently) Harlan’s trying to show you who he is. (COACH puts a hand on HER arm. SHE smiles at him, they have a moment of tenderness.) LUIS You have to meet them where they’re at. You have to listen. ANGELA I listen and then I tell him what to do. It’s called parenting. (LUIS undoes his harness and takes it off and then begins to do magic tricks to cheer ANGELA and COACH up. He continues to do magic with them using various gym equipment while they sing 5. It’s Not About the Pronoun.) LUIS DON’T YOU GET IT? DON’T YOU SEE? IT’S NOT ABOUT SHE THEY OR THEM OR HE LET THEM FLY. LET THEM FALL. THIS IS THEIR DISCOVERY CHORUS Luis IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN Coach WAS I TOO EASY? WAS I TOO FREE? Luis & Angela IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN Angela YOU MUST SHOW THEM WHO THEY HAVE TO BE LUIS IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN RELEASE YOUR INNER CHILD AND SEE Coach IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN Angela NO! THEY HAVE TOO MANY IDENTITIES ANGELA DIRECTIONLESS OR DISCOVERY COACH HAS BEEN TOO OPEN NOW DYLAN IS BROKEN GAMES HAVE RULES NOT FREEPLAY WHAT’S HIS TRUE IDENTITY? CHORUS Luis IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN Coach WAS I TOO EASY? WAS I TOO FREE? Luis & Angela IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN Angela YOU MUST SHOW THEM WHO THEY HAVE TO BE LUIS IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN RELEASE YOUR INNER CHILD AND SEE Coach IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN Angela NO! THEY HAVE TOO MANY IDENTITIES (Angela grabs three balloons and they pop startling Verna and she stops playing for a moment.) ANGELA TOO MANY CHOICES. TOO MANY POSSIBILITIES. TOO CODDLED. TOO SPOILED. SHOW THEM WHO THEY HAVE TO BE. LUIS YOU’RE NOT HEARING BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY… RELEASE YOUR INNER CHILD TO SEE WHAT THEY’VE ALWAYS LONGED TO BE. (LUIS MUSICAL BRIDGE - HE BREAKS INTO A LITTLE INTERNAL ZUMBA/SALSA MOMENT BEFORE COMING BACK TO THE GROUP) CHORUS Luis IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN Coach LET THEM PLAY AND BE HAPPY Luis & Angela IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN Luis RELEASE YOUR INNER CHILD AND SEE Coach and Luis (start skipping offstage) IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN ANGELA CAN’T LET IT GO CAN’T LET HIM BE COACH AND LUIS IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN Angela (running after them shaking her fist) SHOW THEM WHO THEY HAVE TO BE TOTAL LACK OF STRUCTURE MAKES LIFE SUCH A CLUSTER COACH AND LUIS IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN (they go offstage) Angela MY HUSBAND DIED CHASING DREAMS COACH AND LUIS (heads pop out from curtain) IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRONOUN Angela (yelling) My husband died chasing dreams (break in music) THERE’S NOTHING NO INNER CHILD TO SEE IT’S USELESS. NOT SAFE. (spoken) WHY ALL THESE IDENTITIES? (slow) YOU MUST SHOW KIDS WHO THEY HAVE TO BE (sees HARLAN. HARLAN and ALEXA are on the edge of the stage sitting together, sorting through a large suitcase. They don’t see ANGELA.) I MUST SHOW YOU WHO YOU HAVE TO BE (spoken) And it’s a “he” who is going to an Ivy League School and majoring in Finance… I’ll allow a minor in drama. SONG ENDS (ANGELA gets a text on her phone and gasps.) ANGELA They’re closing the school! (VERNA slams down on the keys in surprise, her cards flying everywhere.) DYLAN But they aren’t meant to have the vote until the end of the month. ANGELA (reading from her phone) While we were here arguing about the value of art and pronouns, the Privilegetown parents called an emergency meeting and the board voted to keep their charter schools open. Not ours. DYLAN But— ANGELA The funding is gone. There will be no Verity High next year. COACH You’ll be okay, Dylan. There’s always another team. Even Michael Jordan switched sports. DYLAN My life isn’t a fucking game. I’m not playing around, Dad. (To ANGELA) What can we do? Is there a way to change their minds? Can we ask for an emergency meeting? ANGELA (Gathering HARLAN’S costume pieces) It’s too late. Harlan, come on. We need to figure out your next step. Maybe rent a blackbox to film in… DYLAN Just because the funding is being pulled we can still put on the show. The school won’t close until after the end of the school year. This was meant to be for the kids. Let them finish what you started. HARLAN I want to stay and finish out this year with my friends. ANGELA Absolutely not. We have to start looking now. Before the slots at the charter schools fill up. You can’t attend a basic school for your senior year. We’re leaving. Now. HARLAN Mom! Stop. Not everyone wants a traditional 90’s lifestyle. SUTTON 90’s? (HARLAN and ALEXA exchange a look like, duh.) HARLAN I don’t have to go to college. I don’t have to get married and have 2.5 kids. I don’t need the house in the suburbs with a gas guzzling car in the driveway. I don’t want dial-up or grungy jeans or to binge Beaver and Butt-Head. I don’t want to be you. I want to be me. COACH Beavis and Butt-Head. VERNA No, he was right. I saw it on PornTube. ANGELA Will you two shut up. This is not a discussion. The arts always fail you. We’re going. HARLAN Stop blaming the arts for what happened to dad! Dad died because of a freak accident. ANGELA It wasn’t a freak accident. He took that clowning job way up in Buffalo because we needed money. If he hadn’t been out that late, he never would’ve fallen asleep driving back with that nose on. He never would’ve… (ANGELA can’t say it and folds into herself. COACH comforts ANGELA. ANGELA accepts it and then shoves him off.) Harlan, I’m not saying it again. We’re leaving. Say goodbye and meet me at the car in five minutes. (ANGELA exits.) DYLAN Let’s all take a moment. The board may have pulled the funding, but we can do this talent show with or without them. Who’s in? SUTTON I’ve never quit a show and I won’t start now. ALEXA He meant the kids mom. DYLAN Everyone take ten and meet me back here ready to work. (EVERYONE but HARLAN and ALEXA exit.) SCENE FIVE (ALEXA steps next to HARLAN tentatively.) ALEXA Are you okay? HARLAN Mom doesn’t give a shit about me. She only cares about me going to the right school. She never asks what I want. ALEXA My mom’s too caught up in her career to set fire to my life. HARLAN I admire her. She followed her dream. ALEXA Her dream or her ego? My dad wanted to be happy and for him that meant a hobby farm in bumblefuck New York, away from my Mom’s BDE. HARLAN She’s here now. ALEXA No she’s not. Whatever she’s doing here has nothing to do with me. HARLAN At least she’s trying. My mom— ALEXA You’re not listening to me! HARLAN And you’re not listening to me! (pause. They both take a moment) We’re not mad at each other. We’re mad at our parents. (in an effort to calm down and connect) Wanna play a mirroring game? ALEXA Er… Okay. HARLAN My therapist taught me it. It helps when I’m too in my head. ALEXA How long have you been in therapy? HARLAN I went for a few years after my dad died. Mom insisted. It made her feel proactive in my “healing journey”. (HARLAN turns and faces ALEXA. THEY sit across from each other, crossed-legged.) HARLAN I feel happy when… I put on my clown shoes. ALEXA I feel happy when… I drive my dad’s convertible. HARLAN I feel happy when— ALEXA (interrupts) Do you think our parents are happy? HARLAN I think they think they are. (ALEXA and HARLAN start mirroring each other’s hand motions. THEY sing the next four lines to the melody of YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE.) HARLAN I feel happy when I wear clown shoes. ALEXA I feel happy when I drive fast. HARLAN I feel happy when my mom smiles. ALEXA They can’t take our happy away. (Harlan reaches out and cups ALEXA’s cheek. She does the same, mirroring him. 4. I Feel Happy When begins.) ALEXA (song starts slow tempo) IT’S HARD TO SAY CAUSE IT’S ALL NEW I’M NOT ALEXA THAT I KNOW WHAT I WANT AND WHAT TO DO MOM NEVER SHOWED ME LOVE LIKE THAT I’M ON THE EDGE OF A NEW SEASON AND I THINK YOU’RE THE REASON I’VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID BEFORE HARLAN (tempo picks UP) IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO REALIZE YOU HAVE THIS LIGHT INSIDE OF YOU IT’S TIME TO SHOW THE WORLD WHAT YOU CAN DO TAKE THE LEAP, I’LL BE YOUR NET YOUR FEET WILL NEVER TOUCH THE GROUND NEVER EVER WITH THIS CLOWN ALEXA/HARLAN CHORUS WITH YOU I’M FREE TO BE ALL THAT IS ME LET’S ROMEO AND JULIET IN HARMONY WITHOUT THE DRAMA OR THE FEAR WITHOUT THEIR WEIRDO TRAGEDY Uh huh, mmm hmmm, mmm hmmm (8 counts of humming) ALEXA CAN THIS BE REAL IS THIS A DREAM SOME ALTERNATE REALITY MY HEART IS BURSTING AT THE SEAMS HARLAN DON’T NEED NO ANSWERS THERE’S NO PLAN I WANT THIS MOMENT JUST WITH YOU DON’T NEED PARENTS TO GET US THROUGH HARLAN (BRIDGE) LET’S LIVE OUR LIFE OUT LOUD I WANT TO MAKE YOUR SOUL GO (falsetto)WOW ALEXA/HARLAN ‘CAUSE WITH YOU I’M FREE TO BE ALL THAT IS ME LET’S ROMEO AND JULIET IN HARMONY WITHOUT THE DRAMA OR THE FEAR WITHOUT THEIR WEIRDO TRAGEDY HMMM… (into kiss) ALEXA (spoken) HARLAN I’D DIE FOR YOU… METAPHORICALLY (slow) METAPHORICALLY (in tempo) HARLAN (spoken) ALEXA I’D FIGHT FOR YOU… CATEGORICALLY (slow) CATEGORICALLY (in tempo) ALEXA (spoken) Let’s go Romeo (ALEXA AND HARLAN KISS. ANGELA COMES ONSTAGE AND SEES THE KISS.) END SONG HARLAN I’m gonna stay. I don’t care what my mom says. ALEXA For me? HARLAN For both of us. (ANGELA storms offstage. Lights out.) SCENE SIX (Lights up. ANGELA is outside of the school standing next to a massive real estate sign that says, “Luxury Condos and Bespoke Coffee Coming Soon. Excellent Investment Opportunity.” Her car is parked next to her. (ANGELA is sitting in her car. She pulls out a big red clown nose and places it on her pointer finger. She places some clown hula girls on the dashboard that sing backup. ANGELA sings 5. Angela’s Lamentation.) ANGELA I WAS NEVER MEANT TO DO THIS ALONE THAT FATEFUL NIGHT (sings to red nose) YOU NEVER CAME HOME SUFFOCATED BY THIS RED NOSE DYING FOR YOUR DREAM LOST AND SCARED FIGHTING THROUGH GRIEF TO GIVE OUR HARLAN ALL THAT HE NEEDS DISINTEGRATED PLANS FALL APART LIFE HAS ME BEAT LIFE HAS ME BEAT LIFE HAS ME BEAT… SEND ME A SIGN SO I KNOW WHAT TO DO I’M OUT OF IDEAS I’M RELYING ON YOU SO PLEASE SEND A SIGN FROM THE OTHER SIDE TO HELP ME GO THROUGH THIS SEND ME A SIGN I CAN’T FAIL OUR KID SEND ME A SIGN SO I KNOW WHAT TO DO I’M OUT OF IDEAS I’M RELYING ON YOU SO PLEASE SEND A SIGN FROM THE OTHER SIDE TO HELP ME GO THROUGH THIS SEND ME A SIGN I CAN'T FAIL OUR KID (PHONE RINGS ABRUPTLY STOPPING THE MUSIC. Angela picks up cell phone.) HELLO? (LISTENS) YES, THIS IS ANGELA. YES, I LEFT A MESSAGE LAST NIGHT ABOUT YOUR SCIENCE PROGRAM. (LISTENS) YOU HAVE AN OPENING? I’LL SEND OVER THE PAPERWORK RIGHT NOW. (HANGS UP) HE’S IN. HARLAN’S IN. (SINGING) YOU SENT ME A SIGN NOW I KNOW WHAT TO DO HARLAN WILL TRANSFER TO THE SCIENCE HIGH SCHOOL FULL OF PRIVILEGE AND SOME RICH BITCHES AND FUTURE JOB SECURITY WE’RE ON OUR WAY HELLO IVY LEAGUE (SPOKEN TO CLOWN NOSE) THANKS HONEY. I KNEW YOU’D COME THROUGH. END SONG SCENE SEVEN (HARLAN comes onstage.) HARLAN Mom. I have to talk to you. ANGELA (excited and hyped up now that everything is back in her control. Speed-talking.) Oh, Harlan. We did it! You got into the science school. Go get your things. We don’t need a Plan B. (throws the scroll with Plan B written on it out the window) Actually, maybe we should get some for Alexa. No. No. You won’t be seeing her anymore. (shoves the harness and bedazzled microphone into his arms.) And give these to Dylan. We don’t need this school anymore. I’ll meet you at home. There’s so much to do. (ANGELA starts the car. HARLAN stands there stunned holding the props. Lights out.) SCENE EIGHT (Lights up. HARLAN stands in the same spot, stunned, holding props. Car is gone. ALEXA comes out.) ALEXA Dude, things are getting crazy in there. My mom thinks I lost her one-of-kind blinged out microphone. Ha! I lost it like two years ago. (Sees the microphone in HARLAN’s arms and takes it) I bought this one on Amazon for like ten bucks. HARLAN I’m…I’m leaving. ALEXA But you said you’re staying. HARLAN My mom already transferred me. (shoves harness in ALEXA’s arms.) ALEXA What are you talking about? I thought— HARLAN (to himself) And Mom was holding that nose… (HE grabs his bag and walks across the stage to exit) ALEXA You can’t just go. HARLAN I have to. ALEXA No you don’t. HARLAN I don’t have a choice. Parents control where you go to school. I can’t divorce her. I still need health insurance Alexa. Therapy is expensive. ALEXA You need to stand up to her. Tell your mom what you want. HARLAN Like you do? How’s that TED Talk going? ALEXA Harsh. HARLAN I’m sorry. But I can’t do that to her. She looks strong but she’s not. ALEXA I guess you really are ‘post-words.’ You can’t even use your voice to stand up for yourself. HARLAN Alexa… ALEXA You’re afraid. My mom’s far from perfect and she’s selfish and slightly narcissistic but she always fights. She always gets back up when things are hard. It’s the one thing I do admire about her. What are you willing to fight for? What are using your voice for? HARLAN I’m sorry. (HARLAN exits.) SCENE NINE SUTTON walks in from the wings. She overheard ALEXA. SUTTON Did you mean that, baby? You think I’m strong? ALEXA (walking away from her mom and back into the school. Lights out on the outdoor set and lights up ‘backstage’) I also said you’re selfish and slightly narcissistic. SUTTON I have a confession. It may shock you. I’m irrelevant. ALEXA Wait? Do you mean canceled? SUTTON No. The real reason I’m not in New York is because my agent called about that show I was meant to headline. They gave me the geriatric role. (wailing) It’s one foot in the Broadway grave. What’s next, the woman with the big dress in the Nutcracker with all the midgets coming out of it? ALEXA First, you can’t say midgets. Second, they’re children. SUTTON Who am I without the stage? ALEXA A stage doesn’t make you who you are. SUTTON Everything ends. Everyone leaves. ALEXA We didn’t leave you. SUTTON Yes you did! You and daddy left me long before you moved up here. You used to come backstage and sit in the front row on opening night. And then one day, you weren’t there. I leave tickets for you and daddy at every show. And at every show the seats are empty. (ALEXA wipes SUTTON’s tears. 6. Second Chance) SUTTON WHEN YOU WERE A BABE YOU’D PLAY BACKSTAGE DANCING BETWEEN SCENES THEN YOU GOT OLDER TRADED DIAPERS FOR JEANS MY AUDIENCES GOT BIGGER I ROSE HIGH TO SHOW YOU WHAT A WOMAN COULD DO I NEVER MEANT FOR YOU AND DAD TO BID ME ADIEU (throws aside a stuffed “Fighting Llamas” llama.) Chorus THAT WAS THE TIME WHEN I WASN’T CONFUSED THAT WAS THE TIME WHEN I DIDN’T HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN BETWEEN ME AND YOU MY STAR HAS DIMMED THE STAGE IS DARK IS IT TOO LATE FOR A SECOND CHANCE A MOMENT TO LET GO OF FEARS THAT I HOLD AND DANCE WITH YOU AGAIN (Alexa comes in on harmony) SUTTON/ALEXA I WAS ONCE YOUR NUMBER ONE HOLDING YOU TIGHT ON A STORMY NIGHT WIPING THE FEAR FROM YOUR EYES NOT A DOUBT IN SIGHT SUTTON THEN CAME THE FAME AND ALL OF THAT CHANGED YOU USED TO LOOK AT ME WITH ADORATION NOW YOU LOOK AT ME WITH CONSTERNATION THE LIGHT IN YOUR EYES FADED YOU WANTED SKATEBOARDS AND GRAPHIC NOVELS I BECAME OUTDATED WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE A KISS MADE IT BETTER NOW THAT LOVE IS JADED THAT WAS THE TIME WHEN I WASN’T CONFUSED THAT WAS THE TIME WHEN I DIDN’T HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN BETWEEN ME AND YOU MY STAR HAS DIMMED THE STAGE IS DARK IS IT TOO LATE FOR A SECOND CHANCE A MOMENT TO LET GO OF FEARS THAT I HOLD AND DANCE WITH YOU AGAIN END SONG SCENE TEN SUTTON hugs ALEXA. SUTTON What if I stayed? Would that be okay? ALEXA Yes SUTTON I want to create something with you. ALEXA What about Save the Children? SUTTON No. I want to help you create something. What about your TED Talk? ALEXA That would be awesome. SUTTON I’m so proud of you. You’re my best creation. ALEXA Thanks Mom. (They freeze in a hug) SCENE TEN VERNA walks onstage and sees the scene and rolls her eyes. VERNA is narrating the next part. VERNA (picks up a whistle and blows) Everyone get your asses on stage. It’s time to wrap this baby up so I can go meet my Lady Lucks in AC! (DYLAN, LUIS, and COACH enter and pose onstage, frozen like ALEXA and SUTTON as VERNA narrates.) VERNA So this is where we’re at. Sutton is finally being a mom to Alexa, Angela is still being a See You Next Tuesday, Harlan needs to grow a pair, Angela’s still confused if Dylan has a pair, Coach is being a cheerleader, Luis is being an OG gay with every color of the rainbow, and I’m still trying to figure out why the hell we’re still rehearsing this show that won’t die. VERNA (VERNA claps her hands and everyone unfreezes) Let’s get this done, bitches. (VERNA lights a cigarette.) ALEXA You can't smoke on school property. You have to be fifty feet from the grounds, like by the oak tree. SUTTON Alexa! VERNA (holds up a stack of envelopes from the developers) It’s not school property. It’s city property. SUTTON Alexa! (Alexa is standing right beside her) Is that correct? ALEXA I’ll google the address. COACH She’s right, I think. This was the Waterford’s estate and they leased the land to the city to build a community space years ago. They used to raise llamas here. (smacks head) That’s why we’re called the Screaming Llamas. DYLAN Verna, isn’t your last name Waterford? VERNA I always hated those llamas. Shed everywhere. Terrible investment. (ALEXA looks up the info about the school on her phone with COACH, DYLAN, and SUTTON huddled around.) ALEXA Look! There’s a deed restriction that requires this land to be used as a community arts center. Verna’s right. It was given to the school to use for their performing arts program but if they ever shut it down it would go back to the original owner – (slowly) Verna Waterford. LUIS Dios mio! I forgot! I brought the twins to art camps here. We could do so much more if it's not just a high school. DYLAN This program doesn't have to die! It can transform into what it was meant to be - a community space. I could run it. VERNA Not so fast, minions. Technically, it's my property. DYLAN Will you lease it back as an art space? VERNA Do you have the balls—or uh, vagina, or whatever—to run it? DYLAN Yes! It will be a place for everyone to explore creativity and find joy. VERNA God, you sound like a Hallmark movie. Someone bring me a vomit bucket. DYLAN Don't you care about your community? VERNA I care about greenbacks and blackjacks. (points to sleeping bag and drop-down bar) I've got debts. I owe the casino. I owe my dealer— (looks at ALEXA) SUTTON Alexa?! ALEXA It's not the 90's, Mom. Weed's legal. Mostly. And those llamas don't feed themselves. VERNA It’s not about sides. You gotta be practical. It’s about money and all my terrible investments and extracurricular activities (holds up bong) and being currently homeless—— ALEXA Unhoused. VERNA I used to be like you. But then my parents died and I learned real fast that dreams don’t pay the bills. On that part, Angie was right. (Verna slides into tap shoes and walks center stage for 8. People Suck) VERNA SUPPORTING THE ARTS WAS MY PARENTS’ DREAM I GUESS ‘CAUSE I ROCKED THE PIANO I’M SORRY I COULDN’T MAKE YOUR DREAM COME TRUE (whispers) MOM AND DAD IT’S TOUGH WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING OUT FOR YOU THERE’S ONE THING I’VE LEARNED OVER THE YEARS AND I’LL LEAVE YOU WITH IT TODAY (tempo picks up) PEOPLE SUCK PEOPLE SUCK TIMES MAY CHANGE BUT PEOPLE STAY THE SAME SELFISH AND A LITTLE BIT NUTS PEOPLE SUCK PEOPLE SUCK YOU CAN SAY NICE WORDS BUT YOU’RE LOOKING OUT FOR YOURS WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN YOU’LL BE PACKING UP PEOPLE SUCK (tempo slows) NOW IT’S MY CHANCE TO MAKE UP FOR BAD LUCK AND MAYBE A BAD INVESTMENT OR TWO I’M GOING TO SELL THE LAND OFF THEY’LL BUILD LUXURY CONDOS ON THIS SPOT (Verna picks up the letter from the developer that Angela handed to her and reads aloud) The Waterford homes for lovers of bucolic situations. With one unit for a local artist. That’s nice. Nice, Nice, Nice (SUNG. Tempo picks up) PEOPLE SUCK PEOPLE SUCK TIMES MAY CHANGE BUT PEOPLE STAY THE SAME SELFISH AND A LITTLE BIT NUTS PEOPLE SUCK PEOPLE SUCK YOU CAN SAY NICE WORDS BUT YOU’RE LOOKING OUT FOR YOURS WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN YOU’LL BE PACKING UP (spoken abruptly) i’m sorry kids our time is through (bangs piano shut) END SONG DYLAN Verna, you can’t sell this property. Large sums of money are triggering for you. Don’t blame the arts for your trauma response of drinking and gambling. You need that cash flow on a small, but steady drip. We can figure out a way to raise money to pay you with Luis’s pancake art or er... (ALEXA butts in and puts her phone in front of VERNA’s face and VERNA reads the screen.) VERNA (drops the joint that was in her mouth in shock. ALEXA stomps it out) Alright, it’s yours. DYLAN Really? (DYLAN hugs her and VERNA shoves them off.) VERNA Don’t get your knickers in a wad. This isn’t an act of altruism. (but there’s a small smile on her face. VERNA exits) DYLAN (to ALEXA) What did you show her? There’s no way she’s doing this out of the goodness of her heart. ALEXA The city is just going to wait Verna out to redevelop this property. They approved a new 20 year lease for a community arts center in this building. It’s less than what the developers would pay, but enough for her to pay her debts and a little extra, so there’s a heart somewhere in there. (HARLAN enters in the full Harlequin clown outfit, ANGELA running behind him, COACH running after her.) HARLAN I want to be involved in this new creative space. And I want to do this talent show. I want to stay. (ALEXA hugs HARLAN. She tries to kiss him but his mask is in the way.) ANGELA No, Harlan! HARLAN There’s more than one way to suffocate, Mom. And you’re suffocating me. (ANGELA gasps and COACH steps close to her, comforting.) DYLAN Angela, what were the 90’s for if not to have this moment of free creative expression for all? You obviously loved My So-Called Life. You changed your name because of it. Channel your inner Angela Chase. She was brave. Scared, but brave. That bitch died her hair bright red, hung out with the bad girl, and was besties with a gay boy when it was social suicide. Let Harlan be brave. Look at Luis. He had to fight to be his true self and now he’s about to live his Golden Girls era in peace because of it. HARLAN I want to bring my art and clowning to everyone. And I love Alexa. You know that, Mom. You already ordered a year’s worth of Plan B. COACH Angie, look how happy everyone is. Not just happy. Hopeful. Look at Harlan. HARLAN Dad would want me to be happy. He’d want us to be happy. Mom, I'm going to be ok. COACH (picks up clown shoes that are on the stage) If anyone can pull off avant-garde clowning, Harlan can. Dylan’s mom didn’t just left. She rejected them. But look how amazing they are. It takes someone with a gym bag full of confidence to be gender queer. Harlan will okay. ANGELA (takes the clown shoes and hands them to HARLAN) Just promise me you’ll get a 401k. HARLAN Promise. (HARLAN goes to ALEXA. COACH puts his hand out and ANGELA takes it.) (Everyone gathers round and as ANGELA starts to sing 11. Create With Me.) ANGELA EVER SINCE YOU WERE YOUNG I HAD A MASTER PLAN CONTROL WAS ALL I KNEW NOW I SEE IT’S TIME TO SET YOU FREE I WON’T CANCEL YOU HARLAN SHOW UP FOR ME AND I’LL SHOW UP FOR YOU WE’RE ON THIS PATH TOGETHER THERE’S SO MUCH LEFT TO DO ANGELA AND HARLAN LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE THROUGH AND THEY CAN’T CANCEL YOU SUTTON AND ALEXA CREATE WITH ME AND I’LL CREATE WITH YOU OUR IMAGINATION IS IN FULL BLOOM THE PATH HAS CHANGED SUTTON FOR SOMEONE OLD ALEXA IT’S SOMETHING NEW SUTTON AND ALEXA SUPPORT ME AND I’LL SUPPORT YOU THERE’S NO CANCELING A LIFE THAT’S TRUE LUIS I‘M CREATIVE AND NEAT, AN OG GAY PANCAKE ART IS MY DESTINY TO SHOW A NEW SET OF KIDS THERE’S A QUIRKY TALENT FOR EVERY PALATE IN OUR SOCIETY THEY WON’T BE CANCELED VERNA ENOUGH OF THIS SAP IS IT TOO LATE TO MAKE IT TO CRAPS I’LL BE BACK IT’S MY ART CENTER AFTER ALL I COULD TEACH BLACKJACK I’M TOO OLD TO BE CANCELED COACH YOU’VE TRAINED FOR THIS DAY WIN OR LOSE IT’S HOW YOU PLAY DYLAN I STAYED ON THE FIELD AND FOUGHT THROUGH THE PAIN THESE KIDS WILL FLY HIGH NEVER BE THE SAME WE WON’T BE CANCELED. HARLAN AND ALEXA YOU MAKE ME HAPPY WHEN YOU’RE TRUE TO YOU LET’S TAKE A CHANCE ON OUR HIGH SCHOOL ROMANCE WE WON’T BE CANCELED VERNA And guess what? The weirdos pulled it off. They opened their community art center — it’s like a YMCA but with glitter and all that unresolved trauma. Luis teaches magic and pancakatures, ‘cause apparently carbs are a love language now. Sutton teaches vocal performance, when she’s not starring in those geriatric roles in the city. Geriatric is the new black, she says. Alexa teaches art therapy. Alexa’s teaching art therapy. Because if anyone understands generational trauma, it’s that girl. Together, Alexa and Sutton are writing a musical. I give it two workshops before someone throws a prop chair. Harlan teaches clowning, while finishing his senior year at Verity High School. Angela is teaching business management. Because nothing says “healing” like a spreadsheet. And plot twist, Angela has finally put her clown shoes back on and performs with Harlan sometimes. Makes me believe maybe anything can come full circle… even grief. Coach runs improv games for elementary kids, and plot twist number two…If you’re not careful you’ll catch him swapping spit with Angela in the supply closet. And everyone has a 401k. EVERYONE CREATE WITH ME AND I’LL CREATE WITH YOU WE’RE ON THIS PATH TOGETHER LET OUR LIGHT SHINE THROUGH CREATE WITH ME AND I’LL CREATE WITH YOU